I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
