I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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