I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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