i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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