We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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