She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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