i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
