she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
