i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
