Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
