Can i not drive my cunt home
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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