oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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