I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
