would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
