but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
