I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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