I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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