my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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