I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
