doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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