my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
