I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
