Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
