I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
