and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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