This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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