i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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