Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
there's paper in my vomit.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
