My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
