If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
