Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
