Redeem this text for a blowjob
two words: eviction party
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
