She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
