Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
