Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
