He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
