if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
