Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
