I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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