Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
