your parents love me but you hate me
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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