Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
