I CAN MOONWALK!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
