my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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