Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
