so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
not ubering you a puppy
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
