Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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