well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
