ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
