I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
