I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
