Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
